Since my very first paycheck in high school I've had a death grip on the money I've made. It had a purpose, I had a plan, and it was MINE. I earned it and no one could take it from me. I vowed to spend it wisely and and save as much as I could. When I moved into my first apartment I swore to myself that I wouldn't make a bill I couldn't pay. I paid my rent several months forward and I refused to use my A/C during the spring and summer if I was home alone. My refrigerator was empty because I could eat at work and my dishwasher was never run. The few light fixtures I had all contained energy efficient light bulbs (which I proudly carried with me to my next apartment). I watched a lot of dvd's, read a ton of books, and took regular walks because I refused to pay for cable.
As applaud worthy as that may sound to some people the picture isn't really that pretty. The pride I took in being able to take care of MYSELF with MY money on MY terms was the first glimpse of a serious heart issue. At that time I would have rather eaten ramen for a month than to trust anyone including the Lord with MY money.
Fast forward a few years and I meet and become engaged to my husband. Yeah about that money thing...
It was about to become "WE" money and the idea of trusting him with MY money was about as appealing as jumping off a cliff and the process was at least that painful. His money handling and my money handling were night and day and in my head that meant I NEEDED to be in control of this portion of our marriage. Now handling bills for little old me was easy as pie. Taking care of the bills for both of us was migraine inducing. I was so stressed I could barely see straight. Oh, and I quickly resented the idea of having to explain where and how I was spending MY money.
Let's just say in this category I was not a team player. In all honesty I wasn't thinking about "US," I was trying to protect ME. At some point in my life I had begun putting large deposits of my faith in my savings account. The Lord, in His great wisdom decided to withdraw everything from that account...and not just that one...He emptied the other three we had as well. It was about to become about US really fast. We lost our jobs, our home, and our savings. This rocked me to my bones because at no point had I taken the strangle hold off of MY money. I just couldn't understand how despite all my careful planning we had come to this point. Somehow I found MYSELF...Oh I mean US in a place that had been in my nightmares for as long as I could remember. We were in debut and we were in no position to get ourselves out. The first time I hung up on a bill collector I cried myself to sleep.
We are almost three years into this beautiful romance and when my husband asks me what the hardest part of our marriage has been for me the answer is always the same...Money. Not our lack there of but the slow but steady chipping away the Lord has done to my heart over the course of these past years. In the moments of our lowest financial standing something wonderful happened. I met my HUSBAND. He strapped on his boots and climbed mountains to protect and provide for our little family. Now there are three of us and I couldn't have imagined a man could work harder than he already was. I was wrong. He works harder and his dedication is one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. I use to tell him I've never seen an unemployed man work so much. He has flourished in his role as husband and father and it is a new security for me. Everyday I'm becoming more comfortable with letting him lead.
On that day I cried about the bill collector calling the Lord got real with me. My marriage vows and all the sweet things I had said to my husband about needing nothing but him and Lord were being called out and I was not putting my money where my mouth was. I was thinking about ME and it was getting old. Now when your an "independent" woman that may seem cool but someone should have told me that mindset is suppose to be temporary...but that's for another blog post
We are doing better because the Lord always provides, my husband works his heart out, and I keep in mind that worrying won't make me taller. Trust me...if it did I would have taken up modeling by now.
until next time
-T
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