She's A Toddler Now

I think my heart is breaking. A kind of sweet deep aching break that I've never felt before. It isn't total sadness because every moment to come is an amazing adventure that I greatly look forward to embracing. However, there is an almost tangible loss I feel at no longer being able to imagine that she is a tiny baby that fits perfectly into into my arms. In fact she can now quite easily wriggle from my embrace and walk away.

She doesn't need me to help her sit up or stand and she would much rather I let her feed herself (unless she's being lazy). Her desire for independence doesn't shock me, I am her mother after all. But the walk down the isle to purchase "toddler" food kind of threw me for a loop. I can distinctly remember saying how it would be forever before she'd be needing any of those things. If I can remember something that clearly even in the midst of my mommy fog then it can't have been that long ago.

Now I'm dancing around the living room to smooth jazz so my toddler can learn a new way to have her nap time. We are transitioning to all solids and she is learning how to nap without that comfort feed.

When she wakes up we'll practice saying ball as she kicks her princess one around the apartment. I'll try for the second day to teach her hi and bye and maybe just maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight or without shedding any tears of joy or sadness.

What an amazing thing it is to be her mother and to have her as my not so little baby girl.

Until next time
-T

Part-time Stay At Home Mom

I've been truly blessed to only have to work part time after having my daughter. Returning to work was this dark cloud that hung over my maturity leave. I prayed and cried because the job I had was so high stress I couldn't imagine coming home from it and being able to tend to a sick baby and an exhausted husband. We won't even talk about my reservations about daycare.

Our daughter is going to be a year old soon and we haven't had to put her in daycare. She gets Daddy/daughter time in the morning and she's with me most of the day. Did it take some adjustments to keep our finances in check? Definitely. But it has been worth every pinched penny. I love that the hubby and baby bear have their own time during the day to just enjoy each other. It has gotten to the point that if I come home early she looks at me like...What are you doing here so soon? The first time it happened I was in shock...now I use that extra time to do something for myself. Their mornings together may have made her a bit crazy but it has also allowed my husband to enjoy and flourish in his role as Iron Man...I mean Daddy. Their morning videos are some of the most precious moments we have recorded.

It simply isn't possible for me to be a full time stay at home mom right now but you won't hear me complain about being part time. Who knew going back to fast food would be such a blessing?

Night Ride

Tonight we are driving around and looking at cars. This little pass time has been one of our hobbies since we first met. Now we have Liv throwing toys in the backseat while we talk about deep and shallow things.
Our perfect moments
-T

That Awkward Moment When It Becomes "Our" Money

Since my very first paycheck in high school I've had a death grip on the money I've made. It had a purpose, I had a plan, and it was MINE. I earned it and no one could take it from me. I vowed to spend it wisely and and save as much as I could. When I moved into my first apartment I swore to myself that I wouldn't make a bill I couldn't pay. I paid my rent several months forward and I refused to use my A/C during the spring and summer if I was home alone. My refrigerator was empty because I could eat at work and my dishwasher was never run. The few light fixtures I had all contained energy efficient light bulbs (which I proudly carried with me to my next apartment). I watched a lot of dvd's, read a ton of books, and took regular walks because I refused to pay for cable.

As applaud worthy as that may sound to some people the picture isn't really that pretty. The pride I took in being able to take care of MYSELF with MY money on MY terms was the first glimpse of a serious heart issue. At that time I would have rather eaten ramen for a month than to trust anyone including the Lord with MY money.

Fast forward a few years and I meet and become engaged to my husband. Yeah about that money thing...
It was about to become "WE" money and the idea of trusting him with MY money was about as appealing as jumping off a cliff and the process was at least that painful. His money handling and my money handling were night and day and in my head that meant I NEEDED to be in control of this portion of our marriage. Now handling bills for little old me was easy as pie. Taking care of the bills for both of us was migraine inducing. I was so stressed I could barely see straight. Oh, and I quickly resented the idea of having to explain where and how I was spending MY money.

Let's just say in this category I was not a team player. In all honesty I wasn't thinking about "US," I was trying to protect ME. At some point in my life I had begun putting large deposits of my faith in my savings account. The Lord, in His great wisdom decided to withdraw everything from that account...and not just that one...He emptied the other three we had as well. It was about to become about US really fast. We lost our jobs, our home, and our savings. This rocked me to my bones because at no point had I taken the strangle hold off of MY money. I just couldn't understand how despite all my careful planning we had come to this point. Somehow I found MYSELF...Oh I mean US in a place that had been in my nightmares for as long as I could remember. We were in debut and we were in no position to get ourselves out. The first time I hung up on a bill collector I cried myself to sleep.

We are almost three years into this beautiful romance and when my husband asks me what the hardest part of our marriage has been for me the answer is always the same...Money. Not our lack there of but the slow but steady chipping away the Lord has done to my heart over the course of these past years. In the moments of our lowest financial standing something wonderful happened. I met my HUSBAND. He strapped on his boots and climbed mountains to protect and provide for our little family. Now there are three of us and I couldn't have imagined a man could work harder than he already was. I was wrong. He works harder and his dedication is one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. I use to tell him I've never seen an unemployed man work so much. He has flourished in his role as husband and father and it is a new security for me. Everyday I'm becoming more comfortable with letting him lead. 

On that day I cried about the bill collector calling the Lord got real with me. My marriage vows and all the sweet things I had said to my husband about needing nothing but him and Lord were being called out and I was not putting my money where my mouth was. I was thinking about ME and it was getting old. Now when your an "independent" woman that may seem cool but someone should have told me that mindset is suppose to be temporary...but that's for another blog post

We are doing better because the Lord always provides, my husband works his heart out, and I keep in mind that worrying won't make me taller. Trust me...if it did I would have taken up modeling by now.

until next time
-T